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Will a Threesome Ruin My Relationship?

May 25, 2013 at 11:49 PM Chime in now

Threesome

MASTERFILE

Threesomes. Almost everyone fantasizes about having one, but few are willing to take the plunge and actually engage in a three-way session. This disconnect between fantasy and lived reality is no surprise considering the possible repercussions can be quite intense. From jealous overreactions to the potential for an emotional connection with a new friend, the negative fallouts certainly have the capacity to overshadow the red hot rewards.
 
But can a threesome ruin your relationship? I know many (hundreds!) of couples who have had threesomes and I wouldn’t attribute many relationship breakdowns to a menage-a-trois per se. However, there are some related factors intrinsically connected to threesomes than can contribute to relationship dissolution: dishonest communication, latent feelings of insecurity and partner pressure are just a few of the likely existing relationship issues that can surface after a three-way sex session.
 
Be Honest About Your Feelings

Dishonest communication involves avoiding the truth about your feelings and/or thoughts. Often, we are not only dishonest with our partners, but also with ourselves. For instance, after a threesome, you may insist that you experienced no jealousy or insecurity whatsoever in order to be perceived as strong or assuage any feelings of guilt on behalf of your lover. I sometimes observe this staunch refusal to acknowledge potentially negative emotions with clients who open up their relationships and it is commonly a warning sign that something is awry.

When you care deeply about someone, it is normal to experience feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Both of these emotions help us to recognize our values, needs and boundaries and you cannot rid yourself of natural emotions. In fact, it is nearly impossible to control your emotions, but you can alter your thoughts and behaviours which shape both your feelings and the way you respond to a range of feelings.
 
If you have difficulty admitting that you experience negative emotions or avoid acknowledging feelings that make you feel weak, having a threesome with your lover may exacerbate this problem. In fact, this magnification of behavioural patterns and relationship themes applies across the board after a threesome: take the good, the bad and the ugly in your relationship and you’ll likely find that these elements are augmented (for better or worse) after an passionate experience like a threesome.

When Insecurity Crops Up

Another challenge couples face after a steamy menage-a-trois involves latent feelings of insecurity which can surface during or after an intense experience. Since having a threesome can be sexually, physically and emotionally powerful, our thoughts and feelings often run wild while we process the experience. Most of us can’t help but compare our bodies, technique and performance with that of a third party and many of us worry that given a taste of novelty, our lover will long for more.

Other concerns include fear of emotional attachments and worries that a one-time three-way might desensitize a lover causing an escalation in desire for further non-monogamous exploration. In my experience, most of these concerns can be put to rest with some honest reassurance. In fact, many couples I work with report feeling closer to one another after a threesome, as it was a shared experience in which they genuinely put their partner’s needs ahead of their own. While it is possible that an unintended emotional attachment could flourish as the result of a threesome, this seems to be a rare occurrence.


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